Fuckin' Short!

Moonrise Kingdom: A Fuckin’ Short Movie Review

Just so people don’t get their nipples in a twist over how I don’t understand the man’s artistry or some shit, I’d like to start out saying I’ve never seen a Wes Anderson movie all the way through before.  This was a new viewing experience for me so here’s my vulgar take on it.  Bitches.

Da fuck is this?: Mr.Anderson follows that good ol’ theme of childhood’s thirst for adventure and abundant imagination.  Two twelve year olds run around an island while some pretty great adult characters attempt to work together maturely to find them.  Takes place in 1965, so that weird-ass grainy filter Anderson adds to fuckin’ everything actually works quite well (That’s all I know of the guy.  Hippy-dippy filters for the entire length of the movie).  It’s very hipstery and they use the same melody throughout but it’s so interesting-sounding (OMG he used “interesting” to describe something, you’re not supposed to use that in literaturehurghgbuarrbhfhpshshhshGAHH! Shut the fuck up high schoolers. Just wait ‘til you get to college, maybe, to take off your brain diapers and scrape off the dried pigshit in and around your eardrums).  ANYWAY, what’s the next part…. oh yeah, right

Who’s in this bitch?: BILL uh FUCKIN’ MURRAAAYYY. Like, do I even have to mention the other dudes?… I do? Faaaack, fine ok.  Bruce Willis (The Die Hards), Edward Norton (Fight Club, American History X), Jason Schwartzman (Rushmore, Fantastic Mr. Fox, The Darjeeling Limited), Tilda Swinton (We Need to Talk About Kevin, Narnia, Burn After Reading), Frances McDormand (Fargo, Almost Famous)

Why it’s worth taking your aviator googles off for once to see it: It seems that Wes Anderson has so defined the indie hipster style that he is simply the chairman of that type of filmmaking, and seeing this latest one, I think he knows it.  Simply, the kids are great.  They are the piece that makes it all sweet and romantic (in the poetic sense).  They just take the act of running away, on an island, so seriously. And let’s be honest, wouldn’t we all? The dude, a boy scout, tries to be the manly man survival guide, but admits he might wet the bed and apologizes in advance.  The chick, packs her cat and her favorite fantasy books.  Only thing missing out of all their stuff is a favorite blanket or stuffed bear and it’d be cliche.  There’s one part that was a bit too, “artsy”, for me but it didn’t get in the way of the rest of the movie. And how it just seemed to spiral out of control with every character coming together at the end during an epic thunderstorm.  Literally a maelstrom of emotions.  The special effects were pretty much dead. Sorry, they were utterly terrible.  On the other hand, many of the shots, mostly in the opening scene, seemed like they were staged.  Or rather, the shots were similar to that of illustrations in a children’s book.  I don’t know if that’s what Wes was going for, but it was a spot on way of welcoming people into this movie.  

Favorite Scene: The man talk between Sam and Bruce Willis.  

Favorite Lines: Laura: Does it concern you that your daughter has just run away from home?

Walt: That’s a loaded question.

Walt: I’m going to go find a tree to chop down.  

Score: From listening to Gotye or Owl City for the rest of your life, to winning a VIP pass to the Sundance Film Festival for eternity, this is like if you got a autographed album from Mumford & Sons BEFORE they got famous.  How’s that for a hipster cream in the skinny jeans?

The Amazing Spiderman: A Fuckin’ Short Movie Review

I was definitely worried about this movie.  It could’ve have sucked just as solidly as the last two movies, or it could’ve kickstarted the franchise back up again.  All I’ll say it was aiming more at the latter.  

Da fuck is this?: Like I said, Marvel (or more possibly Stan Lee) saw what had become of Spiderman in film and thought “Dear sweet mother of God how could we let this vile shit come to fruition…” and then said “Restart it bitches!” Because Stan Lee is boss like that since he’s the boss.  They took an alternative “creation” story of Spiderman, got some fresh young faces, and strapped some super sweet cameras and green screens everywhere.  Plus, they added one of Spiderman’s more intimidating enemies to help up the ante.  Never hurts.

Who’s in this bitch?: Emma stone, Emma stone, Emma stone.  And mothafuckin’ Martin Sheen cause he’s terrifying and the boss.  Wait…what? Oh who played Spiderman? Ah fuck uh…hmm.  The bitchy little pussy kid from The Social Network right?  He played next to that other bitchy actor.  Andrew…Garfield! Oh psshhh yeah whatever.  Yeah he was in it too.  

Who cares? It’s just the same as the last ones, which pretty much ruined the character for comic book fans right?: FUCKIN’ NO.  Did you not just read the last part? Emma “I want to marry her face” Stone.  And there’s more, believe it or not.  For one, they put the shit in 3D which doesn’t usually hurt at least in this day and age.  Fuckin’ side note: Since Avatar, most movies that include 3D have simply used it as an effect that makes the picture crisper and move cleaner.  Smart directors know people don’t want shit flying at their face because it doesn’t EVER FUCKING WORK.  So no one ever does it anymore.  Fuckin’ side note over.  

The Amazing Spiderman combined 3D and first person point of view camera work.  Think about that for a sec; 3D, first person POV, and Spiderman.  Also, the fight scenes are a lot more realistic and shorter than the last movies which is oddly satisfying.  So yeah they followed the comics more and Garfield did a pretty good job as an incredibly awkward and goofy dude who can shot web.  

Favorite Scene: When Peter returns home after first realizing his powers and looks just stoned off his ass in front of his aunt and uncle.  

Favorite Line: Peter: I love…science.

Score: if a 10 is marrying Emma Stone, this would be like hugging her.  Like a really long hug.

Brave: A Fuckin’ Short Movie Review laddies!

as narrated by Fat Bastard, Shrek, Craig Ferguson, Billy Connolly or just about any great Scot/Irishman

Alright yu horty torty lads and lassies, shut ye blatherin’ so I kin shove dis fuckin’ review dun ye slimey gobs, ya fucks!

‘Ose lovely voices are en dis fuckin’ thing?: Kelly Macdonald (No Country For Old Men, Trainspotting, Harry Potter 7: Part 2), Billy Connolly (Boondock Saints, The Last Samurai), and Emma Thompson (Sense and Sensibility, Love Actually).

Da bloody ‘ell is dis?: From de wizards en de Pixar Clan, coomes thee tale of a young lass en medieval Scotland, common’ of age as de princess.  Merida, of Clan Dunbroch has had her whole life directed by her helicuptor mum, Queen Elinor.  When the Queen has de odder clans partake en a tournament for Merida’s hund in marriage, she ruuns away and seeks help by a witch, and aye, ye cuun guess where de trubble starts happenin’.   

Why et’s worth yer fuckin’ muney: Well furst of all, et’s a damn Pixar movie ye stupid gits!  Moost of ther proojecst ‘ave been pretty fuckin incredible, doon’t ye think? It’s a story that’s been told couuntless times, but dey always manage to mix it up with let’s say, FUCKIN’ SCOTLAND AYE?!  Who doesn’t love Scotland and bloody magic, aye?  And if ya don’t, then git yer right stupid self of me blog before I stuff so much haggis up your arse et’s going ta suund like a bagpipe in the wee houurs of de mornin’.  Also, Celtic music which I think Mumford & Sons had sume part in.  Furdermore, probably de most realistic animuted environment ‘ve evr seen lads!  Basically, if ya took Skyrim and made et a kid’s movie directed by Sean Connery and written by Tolkien, ya got Brave.

Favorite Scene: I coon only say that most likely the first 30 minutes of the entire thing are me favorite.  It’s simply oodles of Scotland pride all en one.  

Favorite Line: Merida: I wunt to change me fate!

Score: out of 10, this is like going drinking with Sean Connery and William Wallace

Prometheus: A Fuckin’ Short movie review

This movie needs no fuckin’ short introduction so here’s a picture of it in your faces:

As a fuckin’ short editor’s note: See Alien immediately before seeing this.  The amount of connections made will boggle your mind out of your goddamn skull and fuck with it.  

Who’s in this bitch: Noomi Rapace (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy, Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows), Michael Fassbender (Shame, X-Men First Class), Charlize Theron (Monster, The Italian Job), Idris Elba (Thor), Guy Pearce (Vertigo).

Da fuck is this?: Ridley Scott returns to the franchise that he defined with a unique collaboration of artistry, technology, and a stripping Sigourney Weaver.  Also most likely because he saw what a sad shit stank the “Alien” series had became and said, “Da FUCK did you guys do? I left for 20 years and you guys fuck it all up! Hold on, I got this bitches.”  That’s how I’m assuming it went down more or less.  So this is a fuckin’ BRILLIANT prequel to Alien.  Since I don’t want to spoil too much for you pussies who haven’t seen the fucking thing yet, I ain’t going to give you much.  

Why it’s the tits: Scott takes all the elements and patterns that made Alien a massively beautiful and disgusting fuckin’ mess and mated it with the 21st century.  Pretty much helped put science fiction movies back on track.  Also there were parts where I actually thought, “Da fuck… that’s messed up.” And I’ve seen some things man, and if a movie today can make me think that, it’s a damn good winner in my book.  

Favorite Scene: When David is basically alone on the ship, waiting for the ship to reach its destination and wake everyone else up.  Every moment simply shows his lack of humanity, but also his interest and desire for it.  

Favorite Line: Janek: Hey, Vickers.  I was wondering… are you a robot?

Score:

On a scale of having an alien gorge its way through your stomach lining and flesh, to discovering where we came from, this is like if we discovered where we came from and then making it back alive to fuck all the shit up and tell religious fundies to suck it.  

The Grey: A Fuckin’ Short Movie Review

It’s an unofficial universal rule that everyone wants Liam Neeson (The Phantom Menace, Taken, Unknown) to be their uncle.  Yeah well, too bad, dibs.  

Safety Not Guaranteed: A Fuckin’ Short movie review

Alright dudes, fuckin’ short guy here, to give you the fuckin’ short lowdown on past films and ones that are coming out right now in your beautiful shitty faces.  

First movie I saw after coming back from school and by the almighty Dude I do not regret that decision.  From the producers of Little Miss Sunshine, Safety Not Guaranteed premiered at the Sundance Film Festival this year and I’m assuming just hit everyone right in the feelings.  If you want a movie to define the summer for you, get on this shit.

Who’s in this bitch: Aubrey Plaza (Parks and Recreation, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World) who is my #6 celebrity crush, Mark Duplass (The League), and Jake M. Johnson (21 Jump Street).

Da fuck is this?: Colin Trevorrow’s first full-scale production tells the heart-warming and laugh-inducing tale of three magazines employees who find an ad in the paper asking for a time-traveling companion.  

The Awesome Bits: Mark Duplass’ performance as a socially awkward (arguably awesome) amateur genius pretty much drives the entire story.  It alternates between scenes of him with Aubrey Plaza and Aubrey Plaza with her magazine associates.  Every time it’s a Duplass scene, you begin to simply want to hear anything he has to say.  Ridiculous, intelligent, and strangely suave.  Aubrey Plaza is pretty much the Sith version of Zooey Deschanel, except not an annoying little shit dog of a person.  Jake Johnson plays a wonderful douchebag who arguably has the most character development out of all of them, and their extremely shy Indian magazine intern adds that prepubescent humor.  

Pretty much, awesome lines in great situations with fuckin’ wonderful characters, all under an atmosphere of science fiction that leaves you feeling rewarded, content in childish glee, and a FUCK YEAH attitude.  

Bonus Shit: I met the director (who is a marvelous nerd bro), and he moved to Vermont to premiere it here. Just something extra if you didn’t think the state was awesome enough.  

Watch the trailer here